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Sweet Surrender


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The last blog I posted was before I got my bar results.  Yesterday, the next bar round of bar results were posted.  I decided it was time to get back on the board and click away my thoughts.

I feel incredibly blessed to have passed the bar last spring.  I am even more blessed that I got to live the dream of starting my own practice. 

Now that I am in it, four months later, the pendulum swings heavily one way – where I wouldn’t dare dream of wanting something different than I have, and swings heavily the other way where I just want someone to tell me what to do. 

Even though I don’t have a boss to know what I’m doing right and wrong, I am tougher on myself than any boss would be.  I’m a baby lawyer (0-5 years experience).  There is no way to learn without making mistakes.  It is the practice of law.  Practice.  I know this.  40-year veteran attorneys tell me this.  Yet no good deed goes unpunished.  Everything I do for the first time after researching, checking forms and consulting with my mentors has something go wrong. 

It’s a total buzzkill for the ego.  Therein lies the problem.  As I continue to grow in my faith towards God, I realize how much I think my life depends on me; that I believe I make mistakes because I didn’t try hard enough.  Sometimes the best results come when you let go.

There is relief when I allow myself to say “I don’t know”.  There is stillness in my mind when I tell someone “you should do what you want to do”.  This is surrender, albeit on a very superficial level.

I make a mistake.  Maybe I catch it before it becomes a problem and maybe I don’t.  I fear that I am going to get into trial and completely miss something that should have been obvious from the beginning and now it cost my client the case.  That probably isn’t even worse case scenario. 

If I let this fear dictate how I practice any part of law, it will suffocate my ability to help anyone.  Instead of looking at a negative outcome in a fearful way, I should trust what I have been taught.  Trust the system that works and the training to practice that has gone unchanged for more than a century.  The worst thing I can do is let myself get in the way.

Instead surrender.  Sweet surrender.



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