I have learned the last 15 months that I have to dial down the intensity of my enthusiasm. January 2012 is when the pain from my back kicked in. For most of my life I have dealt with back pain, but I know it's not just the physical structure of my spine that creates problems; I add my own level of trauma by wanting to go go go.

I didn't dial down the intensity until after graduation. If I had, I would have graduated late. Truth be told, taking the bar exam 2 months after a spinal decompression may not be turning it down either. I felt like I did; I put myself and family before studying but I probably put myself second.

March 20th is the first day of spring.  I live in Iowa and its been an abnormally cold and snowy March - it is a conversation topic everyone is talking or lamenting about lately.  For me, March 20th feels like yesterday and the day before - another day I am trapped under a raincloud in the middle of a sunny day.  It has been 3 weeks since the bar exam ended.  And 46 days until the results.  I feel like my head is going to explode.

I only blogged once during my study session for the February exam.  I had a lot to say, but I didn’t take time to write it down, albeit the one time in January I did blog.  There was too much pressure to do well on the exam to make time  to do something for pleasure.  The bar exam is a high stakes exam.  That phrase feels inferior to what it represents - lawyers sacrificing everything they have to get licensed to practice in a lethargic and anorexic legal field.  It truly represents the definition of insanity.

Image available at http://sueatkins1.wordpress.com

After the cuteness of your child’s independence wears off, “I don’t want to” is a phrase every parent could live without.  It’s time to get dressed – “I don’t want to.” It’s time to finish dinner – “I don’t want to.”  It’s time for your popsicle – “I don’t want to.”  The last one seems odd, but strangely enough, my 3-year old son refuses to enjoy certain things for the pure sake of exercising his free will.

Free will.  Freedom.  Liberty.  In the broad strokes of life, we take it for granted.  Yet in day-to-day living we exercise it every time we can.  As a parent, I want my child to be independent, speak for himself and make his own decisions.  At his age, encouraging his independence takes me to the edge of sanity on a regular basis.  But I still try to limit my parental authority (mandate) to circumstances where his safety is of concern, when I sense he impliedly needs boundaries or it is essential for proper development. 

Establishing boundaries is unpleasant.  Last night, like most nights, bedtime was a struggle of wills. 

Photo by Frazer Smyth Photography http://frazersmyth.co.uk/

2012 has, without question, had its challenges. I covered a lot of it in my post "Worst Christmas letter ever." One constant in the roller coaster ride of this year is the unwavering support of friends and family. And it needs to be said separately-the sacrifices my husband of 7.5 years made time and again to make sure I got to where I am today; he is nothing short of amazing.

This weekend was a family wedding; the second this year. Weddings are great as a married couple because the homily is a nice continuing education credit on marriage.   Also, the vows are a reminder of the promise we made to each other. One thing is for sure-I called in the vows this year. More than any other year of our marriage. And strangely they all probably need to be called in when a spouse is sick.  A spouse's illness, in my opinion, takes the biggest toll on a marriage.

For better or worse.
For richer or poor.
In sickness or in health.

Worse. Poor. Sick. But still going strong. And making us even stronger. Love you dear!

Image by Thomas J. Dooley available at mobypicture.com

Six months after my last final exam and I feel as if I am on the brink of recovering from law school. Three years of law school equalled a slow decomposition of my confidence, self-esteem, physical fitness, appearance and my ability to always get sh** done.  Parenting had something to do with this too; the lack of time available to devote to the aforementioned was a contributing factor.

The hardest thing to recover from was the blow that law school gives to your confidence.  This applies to everyone.  There isn’t enough spots for even the best students to get everything they set their mind to.  There is only one top spot in the class, only one law review editor, only one or two moot court teams.  Those were not of my concern, but it helped to know that every student is on somewhat of a level playing field.  Perhaps different leagues, but the same field.  See my post "Disappointment is a part of law school."

Image from tthemovement.blogspot.com

This morning as I left Graham’s school, I caught a glimpse of this phrase “Be the Change you Want to See.”  It decorates the peace flags at Cowles Montessori - a Des Moines public school that I am fortunate has taken in Graham as their newest pupil.  And without question, the quote was spoken by Mahatma Gandhi - an influential leader of India and (according to Wikipedia) a lawyer.

This morning, Geoff and I watched Barack Obama’s last campaign rally on YouTube - it took place west of the state capitol in the East Village of Des Moines.  His speech last night, like so many I have watched, ignited emotions inside me that are triggered on two occasions.  

What was my life like before law school?  The same as it was before I had my first child.  Wake up, work out, go to work, come home from work, watch TV, check Facebook, go to bed and repeat.  Having a baby changes everything.  You don’t get to wake up when you want and watching TV becomes a luxury.  Typically, when someone has their first child, they don’t concurrently embark on something extraordinarily unfamiliar and challenging.  

I decided to do just that - I started law school when my newborn son Graham was  7-weeks old.  It was a whirlwind for sure, but when I think about it, if I waited another year I may have chosen not to go.  An infant doesn’t let you sleep or give you time to take care of yourself and neither does law school.  You can read a more in-depth version of why I decided to go to law school when I did in my book, but in short, I decided if law school became too much to handle I would take a break (from school, not parenting).  I ended up doing ok my first semester.  Not outstanding by any stretch of the imagination, but well enough to keep moving forward.

Today I woke up melancholy.  Lately it is hard to pin down why I no longer bound out of bed.  Maybe it is because I don’t have to respond to a baby’s cry over a monitor in the early morn.  Maybe it is because my toddler no longer wakes me up by staring me down until I hear him breathing.  Maybe it is because I am 4.5 months post operation and still have pain everyday.  Maybe it is because I just recovered from strep throat followed by a horrible head cold.

But it finally occurred to me -- October 8, 2012 was the day I planned to “soft launch” my solo practice - as a licensed attorney.

Today was the day, September 14, 2012 – the day the July Iowa Bar Exam results were posted.

This year has been fraught with challenges; indeed I have written about many of them.  After graduation, I had back surgery for the second time in my life.  Four days later, I started the BarBri bar review course.  I struggled physically, mentally and emotionally and after two weeks my body said no more. 

I attempted to study the next three weeks after a few days off, but basically stalled to a standstill.  At the end of June, I had to throw the BarBri schedule out the window and write my own – there was no way I could catch up.  I also refused to leave my family for a month for a one time test. 

I worked as hard as I could without sacrificing my health or mental stability.  I took it as an opportunity to learn how to survive and thrive in the middle of a treacherous storm; knowing there would be many during my career. 

Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics 

Monday mornings are always challenging – no one wants to start the work week and Graham always puts up a fight about going to daycare.  The great thing is that once we get through the Monday morning shuffle, we enjoy the day ahead. 

Today, I am working on easing back into life and getting myself organized.  No work today.  No school today!!!  Just lists and compartmentalizing the things I want to work on from now until September 14, when the Iowa Bar exam results are posted.  I am kicking off my Monday-after-the-bar-exam-one-on-one time with the Today Show’s coverage of yesterday’s American medal winners.   One of the Silver-medalist Synchronized Divers said “you don’t win the medal alone.”  She went on to say that she would not be where she is now without the support of friends, family and coaches back home.

I feel the same way about the breaking the finish line of the bar exam.